My Journey is My Home

I was away from my home for only three weeks, yet I could tell that there are some changes. Only small changes though, nothing really special. Yet I was still looking at those things for one minute or two trying to recall how they looked before or what was it that was being replaced. I was not in the process, so I thought these changes were sudden. I only see the final form.

"The only thing constant in life is change." - François de la Rochefoucauld

I think nowadays, people like everything to be instant. Everything needs to be quick. Care more about when to get at one point, instead of how to get there. I like it too, sometimes. Even though, I always enjoy the process. Being in the moment, so I can feel fully attach to what I am doing. However, I am now sitting on my bed with things going on in my head, mainly was trying to remember whether I have missed many details that have formed the final picture of one change in my life.

When I look at myself in the mirror now, I can tell the physical change. Then I talk to myself about me in the present and say how grateful I am to have done what I did in the past. I have done quite many different things in life. One another has nothing in common. No relation, at all. However it makes me into me who I am today. I feel a little bit sorry to myself, though, that I didn't really give my best at that time. I don't want to say some silly expressions like "I wish I could.." "If only I had.." Nothing will make any different. Because after all that was my process. Now I can feel the advantage. Experience is a good teacher, people say. And wise people, will not let history to repeat itself.

So lesson learned at this early morning is I should be aware even for small details in the process. I should do more consequences analysis before even think about ignoring one. Because one day if that small detail is the core of everything, I will not have the chance to turn back the time to redo it again.

Say the final form is my destination. And the process is my journey. As for me, the journey is my home, where I feel comfortable at.

What You See as A Grown-up?

Happy new year 2012! Sorry for the very very slow will in taking action. Wishing all of you the very best in this quite controversial yet exciting year. I hope everybody is having fun. :)

Well then 2012, it means I'm now soon to be 23. Still in 2 months, though. Time is passing when you're not looking, eh. Here and now I'm not going to review nor making any resolutions, no. That will be a never ending circle, so I actually find it kinda ridiculous to do so. Because I think, making plan is necessary, but embracing the opportunity that comes to you is even more important. Like one of my good friends said, "Why should I plan my life? Opportunities are everywhere if you open your eyes. That's what I learned from living." John Lennon even said, "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making plans."

Currently I'm jobless. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad about it, but I enjoy it somehow. I left Denmark in mid June, so I've been back here in Indonesia for around 7 months. See! Time does fly! I lived in Bali for nearly half a year (it's gonna be another story to tell). In short, I quit my job in Bali and came back to Jakarta. So January was my first full month living in Jakarta again. It has been lovely here in Jakarta, meeting up with family and also my good old and new friends, returning to the places I like, having fun, and you know, simply enjoying this highly complex capital. Not so bad. Yet still keep opening my eyes for new opportunities. Already got one or two, and even still in the process of reaching the goal. I actually can't believe I've made it this far. But as I usually say, I always set my dreams high, but never expect too much. So let's see what happens.

Anyway, have I mentioned about meeting up with people? Well yeah, that's special, as always. It's nice to be reunited with people I've missed all this time. I also got to meet new people. And, my uncle passed away last week, so sorry. But because of that I got to meet my cousins too, whom I haven't seen for ages. Like really, for ages. Do you know what normally people say when they meet another people from the past? "Wow, you've changed!" or "Wow you've grown!" or something like that. Which I think kinda silly, because of course people do change and absolutely, they do grow, for God's sake! Well, I also do it anyway sometimes, because that's the ice breaker to strike a conversation. But then, it makes me thinking...

When I met my little brother again, 7 months ago. He has grown so fast. He is so big now, even taller than me. I don't know what he has been through when I was not there, I don't know how develop or mature he got, I don't know how much he changes inside. But physically, he has developed. Yet in my eyes, he is still a kid who barely able to protect himself. Perhaps in some years, I will realize that he is not a kid anymore and I can eventually talk to him as grown-ups.

Speaking of experience, I feel that too. When I was a kid, I saw all the grown-ups (relatives, teachers, neighbors, even parents) were so big, mature, and powerful. They seemed just out of reach. But now, I'm growing up, having more experience, getting mature, and when I meet them again occasionally, they all look the same like what I can remember when I was a child. They don't slightly change. Even now, I can have friends from a very wide range of ages, from a 10 year-old kid to a 40 even 50 year-old guy. As long as I know where to have myself, can have good conversation, and have a good judgement, everything is good. Everything seems to be more equal. :)

Undskyld, nu skriver jeg paa Dansk. Saa pigerne i dette billede heroppe kan godt forstaar. Jeg tog sig af de boern, da jeg var i Danmark, var de 10, 9, og 2-aarige. Vi havde en rigtig god tid sammen, jeg gerne en dag vil komme en anden gang for os at blive genforenet. Og i den tid haaber jeg, de kan stadig huske vores gode gamle tid, saa vi kan goere det igen, paa trods af aendringerne. Selv jeg ville oenske, de kunne oplevealle de ting, som verden kan tilbyde. Som for mig, uanset hvad de bliver, vil jeg altid elske dem. :)

Jakarta

One and a half year it's been.. Now I'm back in Jakarta. It was only short time, but it was meaningful. Like really, living away in another places, on your own. It feels weird to be back actually, but at the moment I'm really enjoying being reunited with my good old friends. I promise will write some more about the gap I haven't filled in since June until now. As for know, living the moment here in Jakarta until I leave again. :)

Father is (consciously/unconsciously) The Role Model!

Lately I always introduce myself as Hanny Haryadi. Even actually, it is not my real given name. Well, Hanny is, though. But Haryadi is my father's. I just like the rhythm and it does, actually, fit me better, somehow.

As an Indonesian, I don't have surname. And there was no particular reason either why I chose to use my father's name as mine. Certainly, not because I wanted to show that I am my father's daughter. Because I am already is. I remember I even got annoyed when my friends called me with his name when I was a kid. How odd that now I like to be called that way.

I don't have a good father and daughter relation. I barely talked to him, even! He is not the type of father whom others would adore nor imagine to have theirs like him. He was willing to accompany me and my brothers to amusement park, though, and tried all the rides there. But still, in my eyes, he had no spirit of joy. No fun. I don't even know if he could laugh out loud or not. And as I recall, I even always looked up to someone else's fun father to be mine.

Mine always look serious. And most of the times, he is so quiet. Spend, I think, 3 quarter of his life studying and reading books. He has a very high self discipline. He is also very careful in using money. Get through everything before he uses every penny of his. No wonder, now he is a lecture in economy after retired from his prior job.

For me, he seems to live in his own world. With his own thoughts and his way of living. Sometimes, I can't even follow his mind. I don't even understand why he does such particular things. It just can't get through my brain system. The more I write about it, I feel like standing in front of a mirror, looking at myself. Because, I think, I am actually like that. So, I inherit that from him, probably.

But on top of that, I love him for the reason I will never be able to explain. And at the end of the day, he is always be my father. The one who loves me without questioned.

Anyway, you must have heard the line which saying "My Father is My Role Model". I never believed it's true, as I explained it earlier. But now, I think it is. The reason why now I do, because now I'm together with a guy whom, the more I understand him the more I feel he has certain values which almost the same like my father. Not exactly, though. Same, but different.

Just like my father, I can't follow his mind sometimes. His actions are unexplainable to my logic. He could be irritating, even. But also just like with my father, I do love him for the reason I don't understand. And I do feel safe when he's around. Knowing that, no matter what, he is always good to me.

So, My Father is unconsciously my role model.

PS: June 5th is Father's Day. Happy Father's Day, fathers!

The Road

"We're creatures of comfort and we find our patterns and stick to what we know best. But there's a big wild and beautiful world out there for those who want to head up there"

-The Road/A Broken Down Melody

I can't agree more to that sentence! It is just entirely true.

I have left my comfort zone. But to be honest, it's not something that I can snob around to people, feeling better because I have done it. Not at all! It is actually very hard. Because all of a sudden I have to live up all the consequences, all the things which before only wandering around in my mind.

I live in a completely different place. I don't know anybody. I don't speak the language. I have no advance knowledge about the customs and rules. I barely have money. I have no status. I can't behave the same way like I used to do. I am obliged to do something I detest. In short, I'm nobody and lost.

Anyhow, I don't dislike getting lost, I enjoy it instead. Then I can try to find a new way get back to the right road. I have encountered with many turns, dead ends, still it feels like a long and winding road. But I keep on going, slowly slowly find my own path. Leave marks here and there. Build something from the scratch. Then now everything feels easier. Not all though, unfortunately.

I still have a burden, though. My ego is just too high to give in to see the world in up side down perspective. I decided to turn around, step backward, go back to where I start. I realize I might regret it one day. Because I have been through all the ups and downs, yet I haven't seen it until the end. It's only half-baked, still.

No matter what, decision has been made. There is no other way.